Rafa Aina

It's been quite a while since I last wrote. But lately, I have been urging myself to read more. And by thinking about reading more, I think I need to write something here,something beautiful, something meaningful for my most precious.

Before all that, I have a hunch that this is either going to be heck a long one,or, it's going to be just a draft only. It can really go to that extreme! (nodding).

And before anything (again!), I need to let something out of of my head first. Something about my way of writing - my 'creativeness', if you will. By surrounding myself mostly with people of the same race, not doing so much reading (except in Facebook which I think does not count much as reading, more like scanning?), and needless to say, writing - my English has worsened. And up until this sentence, this word, countless times that I have clicked backspace button, checked Google Translate once, and yet I still am trying to make my post sounds 'British-ish' (I mean, you know what mean).

Shall I get started?

Do I have more intro to put up?

....


This month, marks my one-and-a-half-year since I gave birth to you. Nevertheless, throughout that long period of time, I have not managed to write, to thank God and to express my feelings toward having you. I have some points that I have constructed inside my head, and I hope by the end of this post, I manage to put everything in here (yet, another intro).

Rafa,


I love you. Those are three words that can be exaggerated further (ie. Love, love love you so so so much, to the moon and back, infinity). But I choose the simplest one,because I feel that, that conveys the message straight to the point;the most. And yet, the explanation here is way, way far from the word 'simple'! Absurd!

When I first held you in my hands, I had no words to describe my feelings, except miracle. By having you, my life has turned upside down, has rotated 360 degrees (OK, it's 180!), and I have gone crazy, I could die! But on the other hand, I also got more matured, more sensible, appreciated life more. But at times, I thought I was thinking too much, I could go out of my mind.

That. That is what you have made me.

You thought this post is going to be touching all the way? I hope it does, but it is not.


Rafa,


Soon, you will read this. When you turned 7, and accidentally found this post, you might not understand this. When you turned 21, you might get touched by this. But, once you got children of your own, I think you will get this and you can relate to this.

(I think all of the paragraphs above are still intro. Oh, my English!)

After I officially became a mother, have I not wished everyone on earth has children of their own? Yes! Children are like magic, like out of this world. You cannot describe the feelings as the same as you take care of your cats. It's different,totally.

Even during pregnancy, the mind of the mother-to-be will be 'corrupted' with a lot of theories, we got scared but happy;but when the babies are out of your womb, and their skin touches yours - magic.

Growing up, they will cry - slow and loud. And sometimes, they will look at you, the same way as Puss in Boots looked at Donkey in Shrek movies. You will be easily moved by it. They will not let other people touch them and will crawl to you, and only you can console them from crying. They will be calling you out happily when you get back from work. They will grumble to get your attention only to get you to, again, console them. They will hug and kiss you unexpectedly.

So, I wished everyone, especially all my friends, cousins, and whom I know that are still trying and struggling to have one; to have at least one! To experience those magical moments. And at times, I still am wishing.

But, the more I go further with this motherhood journey, I also wished and still is wishing that those couples that are not ready to have children; to equip themselves enough, before having one.

Why?

Are you ready to lose your side of the bed to them? Are you willing to go with 2-hour sleep and get woken up by them to feed them, and then try hard to get back to sleep, and before you know it, it is time for you to actually wake up and get by your days? Are you ready to maintain your emotions in front of them? Like are you ready to get back from work smiling only to get pooed by them, and yet still put on a big wide smile? The most essential one, are you financially ready to have children?

If your answer to that financially-ready question, is yes, believe me when I say, you are still not ready.

From my perspective, even if you earn a lot, you are rich, you won't be financially ready having one.

Why, again?


There are strollers priced at RM100 ea and there are also strollers priced at RM10000 ea. Whatever your choice may be, you will overthink and make unnecessary justifications for your decision in overspending for your children. And they need more than stroller. I got two strollers for Rafa, in fact.

I'm not talking about stroller, but take stroller as example and try to imply it to their other necessities. And not only necessities, dear. When you go to a baby store with just one thing to purchase, and only one thing - milk, for instance. You will walk away with at least three other unnecessary items that; by the time of purchase; they ARE necessities!

That sums up the financial-ready issue. Get it? No? Read other parental guidance posts, books - they explain better, so you will understand better.

One other thing. Emotion (and recently karma thingy, which has been bugging me, but I'm not sure how to put into writing yet).

Picture this. Your child is throwing tantrums at you, in public. Surroundings are watching you two. You will have to maintain your calmness, and sternness, meanwhile, you do not want to be spoiling him/her by following his/her demand. And, also, you don't want to be the monster that he/she afraid of. See? And at the back of your mind, you will also be wondering what the public will think of you as a parent when they look at you handling the situation. Hmm. Public perception is very crucial nowadays in this modern live of everything could be captured and posted, and status could be updated, and be viral.

You read those parental guidance books. They will tell you all the positive things you need to do, to portray, to be the example of your children. But, for me, it's a straight 'easier-said-than-done' bullshh.

I'm not trying to be negative but it's hell hard to do. And I'm not telling you that I'm not trying to practice good emotions or I am totally a bad mother. But I'm trying to write realistically (though I'm not a good writer, thus this will be far from realistic). It's just hard, sometimes.

But as your children are growing, they are like sponge. Their minds are. So, those sometimes moments? They will absorb your hypocritisms if your are trying too hard to convert your negative feelings to positive ones. So, you know. It's hard. Yeah, harder to hide your hypocritisms.

Get it? Read more, if not.


So, I'm trying to say, I wish we all have children, but sometimes I will go for, go and enjoy your single or couple life, and no need to think of having children. Back and forth, I am wishing. Get it?

That is how messy my brain is working, right now (nodding, few times).

Nevertheless, Rafa. You are the most beautiful person in my eyes.

Have I not always wish you nothing, but the best? Yes, I have. And will always do that. Have I not always say sorry to you for countless times for not being able to be the best mom in this world? Yes, I have. And will always do that.

Even in wishing you the best that this world and hereafter could offer, sometimes I feel my wishes and doas are still not good enough. Always, at times of doa, I feel that I have not wished specific enough - too general. But when I go specific, I thought why limit the doa radar? My mind is messy that way!

It's like this. Have you heard of what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger? OK, I strongly believe that Rafa is a strong person, phisically and emotionally because she survived during my earlier stage of pregnancy;that time when I had no idea I was carrying a baby inside my womb. She was on her own that time - not supported by folic acid, milk; other than some Starbucks coffees. Well, she is so strong that, in order to be strong she will be giving a lot of greater challenges in life, that she will thrive through and be successful. Allah will test you according to your abilities.

But, I dare not wish she has to face greater challenges in her life, yet I still want her to be successful here and hereafter! And a strong person! I wish her having and easy life, but it sounds ironic, isn't it? Then, how? What to doa?

Overthinking, yes I am.

I try to be an open-minded parent so, I am aware of unlimited career you could venture in. But sometimes I wish you specifically will become an astronaut's doctor. And I imagine that you will be staying in one of the NASA's spacecraft (in space, obviously), and you and I will be live-streaming to update each other, once every other day.

And sometimes I wish you to be whatever the best that you could be, to serve the nation and to be the best Allah's caliph in the world. That, worldwide will recognize and acknowledge your contribution toward Islam, and that Malaysia will be popular, because of what you do. The wish is general but specific!

Those are the best doas for you Rafa, I think.

What I can guarantee you is, your life will be more challenging than mine. Mine was from no-Internet era to Internet evolving era. Heck, that is already challenging. Imagine, a lot of breakthroughs my generations managed to create, whilst too many social issues were also happening, which were nothing but scary to even imagine. All, is from the borderless information retrieval that Internet, AI can offer.


I'm scared for you. But of course I wish you all the best and I know you can face the challenges and thrive on life. But, as a mother, you know... (sigh).


Rafa, let me repeat, so that you know - I love you.

All my decisions in my life prior to having you, are all because of you. You have helped me a lot. And I wish I can help you too, throughout your life.

Rafa Aina, I love you.

Love,
Mama

Kelahiran Kesayangan

The most depressing moment, right here, right now. Mungkin masa mengandung Allah permudahkan semua - orang lain ada masalah dengan minum air gula, tapi aku tak ada. Malahan Ku rasa air gula tu sedap, walhal bacaan gula aku rendah. Inject kancing gigi - orang cakap lepas tu tangan akan sebar. Aku tak, mungkin sikit, terlalu sikit, mungkin aku yang lebih-lebih ikutkan nasfu mengada-ngada hormon mengandung. Mulut itik - orang cakap nightmare. Pada aku biasa-biasa aja. Seluk tengok Jalan - for the first time, yang check tu doktor perempuan, tangan - Allah punyalah kecik. The second one - doktor lelaki Chinese, very friendly, tangan pun kecik je. See? Senang kan aku mengandung? Apatah lagi kalau cerita awal kehamilan - sangat senang sampai aku pun tak perasan aku ni mengandung.

Let's talk about waktu bersalin pulak. From the second seluk session, bukaan dah 5cm. So, immediately was brought up to labor room. I think masa tu 10.53am - I was told not to wear any jewelry, including my watch, and unable to know the time, sebab clock yang ada dalam labor room berpusing, tapi tetap jarum jamnya pada pukul 7.00. So, 10.53am - that's what I heard my husband told the doctor in charge bila dia tanya "what time is it".

So, sepanjang berada di labor room, contraction I consider as minor - no doubt memang sakit - but not as sakit as people keep on mentioning - sakit yang paling sakit, or something like that. That's why, masa contraction malam tu, aku tak tau pun itu adalah contraction. So, contraction - kalau sakit sikit the doctor maybe injected me with something to redakan keadaan, I think. Sebab rasanya dia ada banyak masuk kan something dalam badan ni. Cuma, I don't know apa yang dia bagi. Kalau dia tanya "sakit?", if my answer was yes, dia akan bagi sesuatu. So, contraction memang sakit, dan bertambah sakit bila dekat-dekat masa nak bersalin - but, it was not that bad. Really.

Masa cucuk jarum - left was fine. Right was a bit of a trouble for the doctor, well, as well as for me. Cucuk sekali, dia cakap "tak dapat". But bila dia removed the jarum, darah aku memancut keluar dengan banyak nya. Hence, second cucuk. No, as seriau as it might sound - tak sakit pun, lagi sakit kena gigit semut, plus the contraction tu kan, lagi lah tak rasa sakit cucuk tu - cuma memang tak selesa lah kan.

Cuma masa kena masuk kan tube untuk kencing - dua kali - those were hard. To make things worse - that same doctor yang bagi some sort of reliever tu - mulut dia - ya ampun - kalau setakat dia cakap "matilah", or "I dah tak tahan dengan you ni" - tu biasa. So, setiap Kalu masuk tube kencing tu memang sesi yang sukar. Sangat sukar.

For pecah kan air ketuban - rasanya procedure dia sama macam masu tube kencing kot. Entah - tak tau pun pasal tu, cuma dia cakap dia nak pecah kan ketuban, itu je.

Now - Kalu cakap pasal waktu menunggu - contraction tu memang sakit. Pukul 11am sampai pukul 4.30pm - sakit, Reda. Sakit, Reda. Pasang tube, bukak tube.

4.30pm - another doctor - should be doctor pakar - she's a she, by the way - dia sort of marah the doctor in charge to get ready with everything sebab 'she' is going to deliver anytime now.

I was given the privilege to pakai tongkat kaki untuk kangkang, as the doctor in charge said "I was difficult". So, another kemudahan untuk aku, over there. So, there I was - terkangkang sebesar-besar alam. Badan jadi sependek-pendek manusia - imagine katak. Yup.

Mulalah sesi meneran. Push. Push. "yes, ada progress". Sakit = push. Sakit = push. Cuma aku tak tau beza anak aku dan tahi - that made the table turned - vacuum - sebab aku tak dapat curi nafas, sebab aku keliru adakah aku keluarkan tahi, atau anak. More to mindset masa tu. Well, vacuum it was. Still pushing my hardest. Rasa macam tahi besar keluar. Tup-tup, anak aku yang penuh dengan darah diletak atas dada aku. That my dear daughter - is the best moment ever - even though I couldn't see you clearly without my glasses on. Yet, still. The. Best. Moment. Ever.

Then keluarkan uri, nothing much - tak perlu push pun. Then, comes jahit - I was given another privilege - sedut gas yang macam bius tu, on top of that, yang jahit is the doctor pakar perempuan tu. So, all the while itu lah ulang aku buat, sedut gas sokmo. Macam-macam aku terkhayal. Rasa, sakit dia rasa - but I consider it minor lah - major pun sebab mindset je "Jahit tu kan memang sakit!". Owh, by this time Baru aku sedar yang doktor Hussain tu bukan consider doctor lagi, because he has to answer soalan about jahitan meanwhile aku dijahit. Hmm, so much for the berlagak thingy kan?

Usai jahit, aku diserahkan semula kepada doktor Hussain tu. Mind you, masa ni dah dalam pukul 6.15 kot. So, it was about time nak prepare buka puasa kan; not for me; for him! So, tugas dia yang pertama lepas dapat aku semula was to pakai kan pad. Pad yang macam buai tu. Sorry, akak tak pandai pakai. Guess what he said? "you tak pernah pakai pad ke?!!!" so dengan mindset trauma pasal jahit aku terpaksa lupakan, aku terpaksa figure it out sendiri macam mana nak pakai pad tu, sambil berulang kali kena marah dengan dia. Setelah pakai pad dengan tak sempurna (maksudnya pad tu Takkan content darah), dia Bawa masuk another katil. Dia cakap "cepat tukar pergi sini!". Aku blur. Dalam hati aku cakap, Takkan aku nak ngesot. So, tengah terkial2, the doc cakap "cepat lah, saya dah lebih masa ni tau" haih, masa tu memang dah macam budak darjah 1 kena buli lah, perasaan nya - ni yang paling kesian sekali rasa dia!

Then setelah berjaya merangkak ke katil transit tu, aku ditolak ke labor room, dan on the way, nurses letak kan anak di sebelah.. Ya Allah, itulah first time aku dapat tengok anak dengan jelas - comel yang amat. Cuma hati ni rasa membuak2 nak tengok kejadian fizikal dia yanh sempurna tu, sebab dia dibedung elok oleh nurse, so yang nampak hanya muka dia dan sedikit rambut.

So, sesampai di katil, yet another katil aku kena transfer, but this time around, less the complaint from them lah.

Yada Yada.. Husband buka puasa, then balik. Now, tinggal aku berdua dengan anak. Ya Allah, rasa apa ye, first time dengan budak Baru lahir! Takut weii, takut tak tau jaga. Anyway, budak Baru lahir, yang dia tau lapar, lapar, lapar. Turned out, susu aku sikit - beberapa titik sahaja, despite masa mengandung ada keluar cecair. Mati2 ingat susu dah ada. Rupanya, kesian anak.

Dia nangis, penat dia tidur. Nangis lagi, tidur lagi. Aku tengok orang yang di compartment lain gendong anak, I copied her. Sampai lah bila malam, tekak rasa sangat sangat haus. Silap nya - 1. Botol mineral water husband tertinggal kan di labor room. 2. Aku bawak termos kecil je. Orang depan aku - dah macam berkampung aku tengok bekalan dia. Sorry lah, first time masuk hospital. Kering tekak tahap orang pelarian rasanya. Sekarang dah tau kenapa - sebab sedut gas banyak sangat, so tekak jadi kering.

Dah tak tahan, aku berjalan ke kaunter yang nurse duduk2 tu (jauh dia about 10m kot) - dan tanya mereka mana vending machine nak beli air. Masa tu ada nampak

(ok, cerita tak habis! ada masa sambung lagi, bai)